Author Topic: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?  (Read 189 times)

Offline PunchingArianaGrande

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Serious question, and I mean "for an extended period of time". I've posted/written about my experience a lot so don't think I need to again.

Just wondering if any of you have seriously been "on the brink".

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Offline MommyBuster69

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2019, 09:41:25 am »
I once ran down three peta protesters because i was rejected by some girl I was obsessed with. I'd say past few weeks I've been on the brink obsessing over stupid /pol/ shit that doesn't matter.

Offline PunchingArianaGrande

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2019, 10:03:52 am »
I once ran down three peta protesters because i was rejected by some girl I was obsessed with. I'd say past few weeks I've been on the brink obsessing over stupid /pol/ shit that doesn't matter.

The peta story comes close but being angry over politics does NOT

I mean experiencing actual mental torture for months / weeks on end, and having it affect your day-to-day psychological state significantly. Unless you have a Terry Davis level of schizophrenia I don't think anyone could be so seriously affected by /pol/ things

Offline Krush Jeanjacket

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2019, 10:04:47 am »
I've spent most of my life stoned and on the Internet. I go in cycles of believing my old waifu is actually a demoness I willfully summoned through various rituals and social isolation, and now she influences my subconscious behavior

Offline MommyBuster69

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2019, 12:55:39 pm »
 I was genuinely in a very bad place at the time. The peta thing had nothing to do with politics I was just angry and looking for a fight. I harassed a christian protestor, and stole some proud boy looking guys folding chair and threw it over a fence. I was just angry at everything for a few months.

Seeing all the outrage culture shit does bother me a lot.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 12:58:47 pm by VelvetSphincter »

Offline Rich Sweet

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2019, 01:01:24 pm »
Dropped acid and ordered pizza and when it arrived I couldn’t figure out what to do with it and then I wasn’t sure if I was alive and I had a panic attack for the next 24 hours

Offline MommyBuster69

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2019, 09:18:13 pm »
Dropped acid and ordered pizza and when it arrived I couldn’t figure out what to do with it and then I wasn’t sure if I was alive and I had a panic attack for the next 24 hours

did you inspire that jimmy neutron episode?

Offline Rich Sweet

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2019, 05:03:41 am »
did you inspire that jimmy neutron episode?

No but I did see the jimmy neutron movie in a theatre in Florida and the sound cut out halfway through and the staff did nothing about it

Offline Mind Jelqer

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2019, 10:27:24 pm »
Stayed up for days at a time for like 4 months due to severe depression. I wanted to kill myself since I was a kid. Starting going completely fucking nuts in my late teens and having full sensory hallucinations daily. That was the closest I ever got to killing myself, but I refused to do what I saw as the easy way out. Instead I made plans to just disappear with whatever I could fit in my backpack and start a new life. I would curl up in my bed and fantasize a world where I didn't exist, or just contemplate nothingness. This helped calm me. I began self-improving because I hated who I was. I felt like the word had made me it's bitch and it was time I grew a backbone did something about it.

One day after a very bad episode I tried to do my little meditation and it didn't work. I was mentally repeating, "I don't exist," over and over when I finally heard a voice that said, "No, you do exist." I suddenly felt like I was being crushed and pulled through something. I saw a bright flash of light even though my eyes were closed. I was drenched in sweat and started crying. Something told me that I had my second chance now and that I'd essentially been reborn. I got better very rapidly after that. Never had any hallucinations or weird delusions again.

Worked at Amazon and didn't see daylight for about 2 months. It was so bleak there. I was hiding an injury because they found ways to lay off anyone who got hurt very quickly. Everything bad you've heard about working for them is 100% true, if not worse. Though I have heard they have several fulfillment centers that are actually cool to be at. I would walk around and sometimes have my head roll back and my vision would start going black from exhaustion. I luckily never actually collapsed. I'd stand at the third floor of the mezzanine, looking down to the warehouse floor as I wondered if anything there would change for the better if I jumped, and also because I just wanted to die. I put up with all of this because I finally had almost all of my problems sorted out and wanted to prove to myself that I could hack it and take part in society, rather than being a depressed NEET. I got better almost immediately after quitting. I love the sun so much now. Found another job that I loved full of coworkers that I also loved being around in only 2 days.

I got rear-ended driving home from work several years later. The guy was going 60 mph in a big van while I was at a stoplight. I was pushed forward and started a chain reaction collision with several other cars in front of me. My seatbelt didn't lock up and I was clutching the steering wheel keeping my arms locked to stop myself from smashing into the windshield. I fucked up my back, neck, and shoulders. The guy in front of me had a concussion and some sort of a neck injury. The guy who crashed into me was concussed even worse and broke his arm and some other bones. I thought he was dead at first when I got to him. None of us could get our cars off the road. I was the only person moving around after the crash and was basically running around in the street trying to make sure everyone was alive while I had a bystander call for an ambulance because I couldn't find where my phone flew off to.

I realized when I got home that something was seriously wrong with my head. Things became a little more clear and I realized I was speaking mostly gibberish to people on the side of the road. I had called my dad to pick me up and take me to my place and got into an argument with him about where I was. He kept asking where I was, and I just kept yelling things like, "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm here! I'm right here! Come get me!" I couldn't tell the cop what town I was even in. Turned out I also had a head injury. I remember looking in the mirror later and thinking something to the effect of, "The person that used to live in this body is dead now. My personality has been totally altered and I'm basically just a stranger in this body." I starting getting extremely depressed again. My emotions would change randomly. I struggled with my identity. I was suicidal again. I was smoking the dankest weed I'd ever encountered daily just to try to feel a little more normal. I eventually started to get better. Stopped smoking. Had more days where I felt like myself again. Eventually I was in an okay enough state that I scheduled physical therapy and also therapy with a shrink. I told my therapist about all the other shit I'd dealt with as well in the past and we went to work. I'm now fully healed and have a clean bill of mental health.

I have many other stories, but I don't really wanna go more into it. I had a really bad time growing up, but I've finally put it all behind me. Before I moved across the country I said a prayer for every person who had hurt me. I forgave them and prayed for them to be free of their guilt and find peace. I don't know if I believe in a higher being, but it really helps me to live as if somebody has their eyes on me. Today at work I had to force myself to not cry while working with customers because I was stuck thinking about how grateful I was for everything that I have now. I'm very proud of who I've become. It blows me away knowing that there are people who are now jealous of me. I was such a fucking loser.

I don't know your story because I've been too busy to really look at this forum for the past couple months, but please get some help if you're goin' nutso. Posting about it on a board where you're essentially anonymous can feel good, but if you haven't yet, let somebody who can actually have your back irl know what's going on. I never told anybody shit about what I was going through until it was nearly over. Looking back that was a huge mistake. I could have gotten better years earlier.

I feel like a retarded psycho for even telling my story here lol, but I always try to help anybody who's going through some crazy shit now.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2019, 10:33:26 pm by Mind Jelqer »

Offline PunchingArianaGrande

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2019, 09:19:10 am »
Stayed up for days at a time for like 4 months due to severe depression. I wanted to kill myself since I was a kid. Starting going completely fucking nuts in my late teens and having full sensory hallucinations daily. That was the closest I ever got to killing myself, but I refused to do what I saw as the easy way out. Instead I made plans to just disappear with whatever I could fit in my backpack and start a new life. I would curl up in my bed and fantasize a world where I didn't exist, or just contemplate nothingness. This helped calm me. I began self-improving because I hated who I was. I felt like the word had made me it's bitch and it was time I grew a backbone did something about it.

One day after a very bad episode I tried to do my little meditation and it didn't work. I was mentally repeating, "I don't exist," over and over when I finally heard a voice that said, "No, you do exist." I suddenly felt like I was being crushed and pulled through something. I saw a bright flash of light even though my eyes were closed. I was drenched in sweat and started crying. Something told me that I had my second chance now and that I'd essentially been reborn. I got better very rapidly after that. Never had any hallucinations or weird delusions again.

Worked at Amazon and didn't see daylight for about 2 months. It was so bleak there. I was hiding an injury because they found ways to lay off anyone who got hurt very quickly. Everything bad you've heard about working for them is 100% true, if not worse. Though I have heard they have several fulfillment centers that are actually cool to be at. I would walk around and sometimes have my head roll back and my vision would start going black from exhaustion. I luckily never actually collapsed. I'd stand at the third floor of the mezzanine, looking down to the warehouse floor as I wondered if anything there would change for the better if I jumped, and also because I just wanted to die. I put up with all of this because I finally had almost all of my problems sorted out and wanted to prove to myself that I could hack it and take part in society, rather than being a depressed NEET. I got better almost immediately after quitting. I love the sun so much now. Found another job that I loved full of coworkers that I also loved being around in only 2 days.

I got rear-ended driving home from work several years later. The guy was going 60 mph in a big van while I was at a stoplight. I was pushed forward and started a chain reaction collision with several other cars in front of me. My seatbelt didn't lock up and I was clutching the steering wheel keeping my arms locked to stop myself from smashing into the windshield. I fucked up my back, neck, and shoulders. The guy in front of me had a concussion and some sort of a neck injury. The guy who crashed into me was concussed even worse and broke his arm and some other bones. I thought he was dead at first when I got to him. None of us could get our cars off the road. I was the only person moving around after the crash and was basically running around in the street trying to make sure everyone was alive while I had a bystander call for an ambulance because I couldn't find where my phone flew off to.

I realized when I got home that something was seriously wrong with my head. Things became a little more clear and I realized I was speaking mostly gibberish to people on the side of the road. I had called my dad to pick me up and take me to my place and got into an argument with him about where I was. He kept asking where I was, and I just kept yelling things like, "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm here! I'm right here! Come get me!" I couldn't tell the cop what town I was even in. Turned out I also had a head injury. I remember looking in the mirror later and thinking something to the effect of, "The person that used to live in this body is dead now. My personality has been totally altered and I'm basically just a stranger in this body." I starting getting extremely depressed again. My emotions would change randomly. I struggled with my identity. I was suicidal again. I was smoking the dankest weed I'd ever encountered daily just to try to feel a little more normal. I eventually started to get better. Stopped smoking. Had more days where I felt like myself again. Eventually I was in an okay enough state that I scheduled physical therapy and also therapy with a shrink. I told my therapist about all the other shit I'd dealt with as well in the past and we went to work. I'm now fully healed and have a clean bill of mental health.

I have many other stories, but I don't really wanna go more into it. I had a really bad time growing up, but I've finally put it all behind me. Before I moved across the country I said a prayer for every person who had hurt me. I forgave them and prayed for them to be free of their guilt and find peace. I don't know if I believe in a higher being, but it really helps me to live as if somebody has their eyes on me. Today at work I had to force myself to not cry while working with customers because I was stuck thinking about how grateful I was for everything that I have now. I'm very proud of who I've become. It blows me away knowing that there are people who are now jealous of me. I was such a fucking loser.

I don't know your story because I've been too busy to really look at this forum for the past couple months, but please get some help if you're goin' nutso. Posting about it on a board where you're essentially anonymous can feel good, but if you haven't yet, let somebody who can actually have your back irl know what's going on. I never told anybody shit about what I was going through until it was nearly over. Looking back that was a huge mistake. I could have gotten better years earlier.

I feel like a retarded psycho for even telling my story here lol, but I always try to help anybody who's going through some crazy shit now.

Wow, that puts my shit in perspective. I luckily never got into a full-on depression because the situation I was in was purely due to the place I was living in, and I knew I'd be leaving it after a while, so things could get back to normal. I had some pretty rough times but knowing it was temporary kept me from losing it completely. I've been OK since I left there. It's not even worth recounting because I am completely over it. I feel good about getting through it. Again though, it was "the closest" I've been to having any sort of breakdown, rather than an actual breakdown, so I won't pretend I went through anything truly traumatic.
Huge respect to you for getting through all that and coming out on top brother.

Offline Winky(AFK 6 Months)

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2019, 09:56:40 pm »
I was on tons of SSRI's and SNRI's as a younger man, tons of benzos, ultimately peaking when I was on lithium at one point and getting blood work done. A lot of that is due to me smoking pot, jerking off, watching porn etc, stuff I can't handle without turning into a lunatic. I'm nofap like 5000 days or whatever. I drink a lot of coffee and have a few shots every other weekend but don't get drunk and definitely don't smoke pot or anything like that. I'm not sure if that counts as insanity or a mental breakdown in the pure sense, but the chemically induced behaviors (abusing benzodiazapines and combining it with then illegal drugs like cannabis etc) lead to, in practice, absoloute looney behavior. I have memories of things I did which are just pure insanity, pure suicidal recklessness.

At some point you become invisible to the sane because the things you do are so insane that the sane wouldn't be able to comprehend you being there. That can be provided with an artificial drug induced nerve of steel.

That is of course non-maintainable and the drugs run you down with time, then you mess up and get caught.

More recently before I quit drugs for real, for realz realz, I used a ton of research chemicals. I did my research on it, it was a study chemical. This helped me plow through my final university courses that I was otherwise too undisciplined to tackle on my own. But this lead to a prolonged period of being a robot and just researching things constantly. I understood what it is like for spirituality to leave the human machine. Not only was I a guinea pig for these untested chemicals, they had an efficacy far beyond regular perscription medication. The sort of muscular tension and misery you experience with that, the addiction to that miserable state... it's something else.

For a long time, since I abused my brain so much, I couldn't learn anything. But some of the effects have subsided and I can once again study programming etc. I think I have degraded my brain's emotional capacity considerably after doing that while having upgraded my intellectual capacity. But that is not really worthwhile when you can't laugh naturally or easily, stuff like that. So then you have to regain emotional capacity by sacrificing the intellect, abandoning politics and right/wrong notions to try and recapture innocence. It's harder to do that then conquer intellectual capacity, since the environment of this world is polarized towards intellectual deviancy, destruction and misery.

Offline _jim_

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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2019, 02:07:54 am »
as a child i used to go to a psych. like a psych catered towards damaged children even though i'd never experienced any trauma. i remember as a six year old i used to self harm. i used to bash my head against the ground and call myself stupid, giving myself concussions. i went to this shrink for years. i don't remember what happened in these sessions but i do remember crying a lot. i think intrinsically i'm an anxious person, and i've only been able to live a normal life because i've ironed out a lot of coping mechanisms for depression and anxiety. my whole life i've been building this defence mechanism, and only in the last year or so it's come to fruition where i'm at a point where i don't feel like levelling out my skull. also unlike people on this forum i've never had any drug dependencies. i've smoked weed a handful of times and never fuxed with harder drugs (including ssris). i guess my one vice is alcohol, but it's never become a dependency. i've had instances where i've gotten catatonically drunk, but i think that's just a product of my society (australian youth culture). once again this relates to the whole "depression olympics" thing where i'm comparing my circumstance to others and admittedly embellishing my struggle for 'internet clout points' but i think to myself "that's just how everybody is. that's just HOW it is". at the end of the day nobody really gives a shit about me besides my close friends and family, and even then all they think are positive-minded thoughts. as in, they might have some technically bad thoughts like "jim is getting fucking fat that fat fuck" but in a nurturing way where they want me to improve and get past it or however the fuck you want to phrase it. i think you know what i'm getting at. "positive negativity", if that's even a thing. bullying? but that has social implications. socially removed bullying? belittling bullying? bullying-induced self-reflection therapy? who knows. anyway i think what i was getting at is that i was probably diagnosed with something as a child that my parents never told me about so it didn't work like some self-fulfilling prophecy shit. autism? probably. schizophrenia? these days it feels like that's so, except when i'm in this stream of consciousness flow and my mind unlocks and i can keep up with my thoughts. i'm not gonna define my """self-diagnosed schizophrenia""" but i do have a lot of trouble with speaking to others, mainly because i can't keep my thoughts cohesively strung together. i'm thinking about three things at once. i'll hit these periods of mental zen where i'm suddenly hyperaware of my surroundings. for example, the other day i was making some lunch (guacamole) and i could hear the texture of my knife glancing against the rough texture of the inside of the avocado, i could feel the suppleness and the ripeness of the avocado in my hand. all of the information surrounding me was flowing into my mind like hot soup. everything made sense. i'm sitting here trying to unravel how i got to that point. how to get that feeling consistently, when i need it most. i also weirdly enough have that clarity when i'm meeting someone new, like a date for instance. i'll just fucking unravel and be true to myself, none of this conscious self-constructed personality bullshit that i'm sure everybody does "ahuh yeah umm like i'm a muso and i love to paint :)" and then play 21 questions before the conversation dies. but when i'm not in this state i'm like a brick wall. nothing makes sense. words scramble on the page and people sound like rusty trumpets when they talk to me. words and logic swirl around in the toilet of my mind and spit out a never ending loop of confusion. phrases echo in my head like a gong. is this what people describe when they say they're hearing voices? who knows. this is a bit of a stretch saying this (in regards to how i'm self illustrating how "twisted >:)" i am) but i also do talk to myself a lot. i've had people give me alarmed expressions on the train when they've caught me having a conversation to myself under my breath. tilting my head, smiling, shit like that. i should clarify that i'm not doing these things consciously, i just forget to moderate myself in public because i'm alone a lot. although i think everybody talks to themselves. people like to recreate conversations and scenarios (often bad) where they want to re-imagine and sculpt the result, make themselves feel better. lost that argument with mum the other day? own her with some savage internally repressed grudges that you've had with her. my mum killed my cat because she didn't like it. i've never told anybody that but it's probably the most heart-wrenching thing that's happened to me. i came home one day and he was gone. she'd taken him to the vet and had him put down. the cat wasn't old or sick, she justified it to the vet that the cat was sad and wasn't loved and couldn't integrate into a new home. man i fucking tear up thinking about this shit. what's more fucked up is how caring and kind my mum is and how she did that. i honestly can't comprehend what made her justify that decision. i guess she thought that i was sick of the cat because i was putting him outside of my room when i was studying because he kept sitting on my work. i used to imagine scenarios where i'd berate her and scream at her for what she did, deconstruct her insecurities and turn her into a sobbing mess. but i didn't. i did nothing. i burried it deep down. i left the room without a word and we never talked about it ever again. to this day i don't know if that was the right thing to do.
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Re: What is the closest you've been to insanity / a mental breakdown?
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2019, 02:07:54 am »

 


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